


Until it's gone

by Redclaire999



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Awkward Sexual Situations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, I'll add more tags for later chapters!, Mild Language, Mild Smut, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redclaire999/pseuds/Redclaire999
Summary: There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you.Sometimes people don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone.
Relationships: Ellie Bishop & Nick Torres, Ellie Bishop/Nick Torres
Comments: 78
Kudos: 89





	1. The cut

She was having a shitty day. It started out shitty and ended shitty. The middle part was mostly shitty too so yeah, Ellie felt about as shitty as a girl could be.

It started out with the usual sleepless night on the run into this particular day, always the same, tossing and turning with regret and disappointment. And just like every other year she fought with herself, argued, scolded and bargained with herself not to look at the damn photos.

But she caved, again, just like every other year and she flicked back and forth between the only two photos she had kept, the others long since deleted, torturing and tormenting only herself.

She had been so hopeful, so happy, white lace and promises, so fucking naïve on that spring day.

Her special day.

Even before her unnecessary alarm went off her phone pinged as she expected it to. A text message from her mom and a WhatsApp group one from her brothers. After a shower and getting dressed her phone pinged again, Kasie, promising to catch up at the weekend when she was back from her conference for a girlie boozy lunch. Sounded great! She wished it could be today, anything to take her mind off stuff.

Ellie wasn’t a huge fan of social media, there were guidelines about posting personal details, that was the job and she knew the security risks. She flicked through her Facebook feed, her family often left obscure messages and funny insider joke memes there. Taking another quick bite of Nutella-coated toast, she stopped. When she saw it, it was like her trachea had been crushed, she couldn’t breathe. Choking on the mouthful of dry bread she rushed to the sink and spat up.

She knew it was coming, she had heard the news from an old friend but to see it in colour, on her own page was a gut punch, more, it was soul-destroying.

Why did it have to be today?

Using every ounce of mental strength she could muster, she pulled her shit together and pushed all of it, every stinging hurt, into a locked box in her mind for some time …later. She drove to work, gritting her teeth in the effort to think of anything else and caught a glance of herself in the rear-view and knew she looked awful; tired, pale, sad. It was how she felt too. Cursing colourfully as the engine warning light flashed again, she knew she needed a new car but that was a problem for another day.

It was still only 8 am, she still had a whole day to get through.

Work was fairly awful. The first order of business was to break the news to a heartbroken and recently widowed mom, that her only son, a promising Marine, was dead by suicide. Nick left her to do the telling, of course, she was ‘so much better at the compassion and empathy stuff’. The keening wails of the woman reverberated in Ellie’s heart for the rest of the day.

Next up was hours of analysis of bank transfer records in the hopes of identifying the anonymous trustee of the account that siphoned off over a million dollars, scamming retired ex-service personnel out of their savings. Nick had somehow wheedled his way out of the heavy-lifting of the workload, his flamboyant and effusive thanks along with promises of extra chocolate finally winning her over as she had taken up the slack. She was better at number-crunching sure, but she knew he was skiving just a bit.

She jumped at the chance to go interview a scam victim just to get out of the office, hoping a change of scene would make her depressing memories go away for a while. Nick grumbled the whole way; it was already after three and with traffic and paperwork they’d be lucky to get out after seven. His griping increased substantially when they got to Ms Beauchamp’s home. The elderly lady, a retired navy nurse, was clearly a hoarder, had some self-neglect issues and maybe had early dementia. She was also lonely, of limited financial means and plainly didn’t get to talk to people very often. Something about the woman, her life, struck a chord that Ellie couldn’t shake off.

After a _very_ long meandering chat the garrulous, stooped lady finally went out to another room to get the business card of the guy who had ‘invested’ her savings for her. Opening the kitchen door released a sharp stench of ammonia and then her ‘babies’ appeared.

‘You have got to be kidding me!’ Nick hissed in horror as a friendly black cat rubbed up against his leg and a tabby jumped up on the none-too-clean sofa behind him.

‘Shush, she’ll hear you!’ Ellie petted the ginger tom who was rolled up on her lap and was purring contentedly.

‘Come on Bishop, wrap this up, crazy cat lady smell is seeping into my clothes!’ he grimaced standing up and vigorously brushing invisible cat dander off his jeans.

‘Don’t call her that! She just lonely, she gave her life to the Navy, her pets are all the family she has. Be respectful!’ she chided him, he usually wasn’t so intolerant of kooky senior people, up til now she would have said he actually had a soft spot for old ladies, respecting his elders being drummed in at an early age maybe.

‘I’m going to wait out in the car, we’ve been here over an hour already, she doesn’t remember the guy, Bishop it’s a dead-end’. She rolled her eyes at him in exasperation, _she’d_ have to make up an excuse for him now and she didn’t like lying.

Ellie stayed on talking to Ms Beauchamp for another half hour, listening to stories about her cats and Vietnam, it was her good deed for the day. Nick was spitting feathers when she got into the car.

‘ _Two_ hours B! Christ! I need a beer to wash down the cat furballs’ he did a couple of theatrical gagging cough-up sounds to demonstrate his point. She landed an admonishing backhander on his shoulder.

‘That’s the best thing you’ve said all day, a beer sounds amazing!’

‘How about ‘Bud and Burritos’ in Joe’s Bar, if we write this up fast, we’ll just get the tail end of happy hour?’ he looked at his watch optimistically and put his foot down a little more.

Relaxing back in the passenger seat Ellie tapped her head on the headrest and huffed out a relieved sigh. ‘Nick, you are a lifesaver, that’s exactly what I need, thanks’ she smiled at him gratefully.

‘No problem, B’. The smile he shot her did that thing to her again, that warm glow only Nick triggered radiated through her again, licking her insides with flames she thought were long extinguished.

After the paperwork, she dashed into the ladies room to freshen up a little, and just in case there was even the hint of a little bit of an odour from the cats, she changed her top, had a squirt of perfume and she was all set.

When she came out Nick was talking to someone on his phone. Her stomach dropped, she knew that hushed tone, without even hearing the actual words she knew that was his flirty, chatting up voice. She clearly heard the last bit.

‘Yeah, give me half an hour and I’ll see you then’ his voice was low and gravelly, definitely bordering on seductive.

‘Hey B, I um.. can we rain check on the beer? Tomorrow?’ he asked casually, already throwing stuff into his go-bag.

Ellie fixed him with a thin-lipped neutral face.

‘Fine’ she really did try her best to sound blasé, but the annoyed disappointment must have slipped out. His eyes flicked up and noticed her face.

‘Aw don’t be like that Bishop-,’

‘I said it’s fine Nick, it was just a beer’. She busied herself at her desk, shutting down her computer with a heavy-handed hammering of the keyboard buttons.

‘Well, now I know it’s _not_ fine, look I’ll call her back-,’ he whined, reluctantly pulling out his phone like he was doing her a huge favour.

‘Nick, go, I said it’s fine. See you tomorrow’ she snapped tersely as she grabbed her coat and bag, not looking back and just made the elevator as it closed.

As soon as she got home, she showered and got into fluffy pyjamas. Half-heartedly she did the laundry she hadn’t got a chance to do over the weekend because she had babysat Jimmy’s Victoria so he could bring Brianna out for her birthday on Saturday and then she had spent most of Sunday stitching sequins on the McGee twins’ dragon costumes for their pre-school play. Delilah was away with DOD work and she couldn’t watch Tim stressing anymore so she had said she would take care of it, much to McGee’s relief.

Chocolate wasn’t going to work for her right now, nor was any other food, so she sat on her sofa in the silence of the darkening gloom with a bottle of chardonnay, not even bothering to turn on the tv.

Picking up her phone she flicked until she saw the photo again. Looking at it was like self-harm, like she was drawing a sharp blade across her own flesh, only there was no release, no remission. But still, she felt compelled to look at it again and again, the psychological cut going deeper and deeper each time.

She flicked to her own two old photos then to today’s one.

Jake and his now-wife Taylor, beaming with happiness from the hospital room with their little blue bundle of joy, and the kicker, announcing the safe arrival of _Cody_ Molloy.

She saw people she had considered _her_ friends had ‘liked’ and commented on it now, that’s probably how the photo had ended up posted on her news feed. The second glass of wine went down easier than the first, she forced the third one down, past the constricting ball of sadness and hurt at the loss of _her_ dreams.

She didn’t want Jake now; the love she’d had for him was long gone. But that was the life he had promised her, what she had hoped for when she married him, love, a home, a family, normal stuff.

The burning tears started of their own accord, nobody could see them here, alone in the dark, so she just let them fall.

Taking another glug, she sniffed, wiping her nose dejectedly on her sleeve and whispered,

‘Happy birthday to me’.


	2. Salt in the wound

He knew he’d fucked up, he just needed to know whether it was a misdemeanour offence or felony capital crime.

Nick had no idea why he had even gone on the date. It wasn’t even a ‘date’ date. Sure he liked Lauren, she was a manager in his fitness centre and they had been flirting a bit down at the gym over the past few weeks, harmless stuff, meaningless to him anyway then she had asked him for advice, his opinion on setting up her own studio. Flirting with her, with anyone, was just a habit, another act, another undercover persona he used to cover the real Nick. It was easier than looking in the mirror, at the cracks he could see fracturing his defensive walls.

He had spent the past couple of hours feigning interest in Lauren’s plans, listening as she prattled on and on about being taken for granted at work and how she should maybe only bust a gut for herself and not for the owners of a business that only saw her as an employee number, basically she needed someone to vent to and he was the lucky guy. When she had casually dropped a hand on his thigh, he had faked a worktext, a new case that he _had_ to attend to, his go-to, get-out excuse being used yet again. Lauren didn’t even seem that bothered that he called it a night early, she was at least three vodkas deep when he’d got there and was getting kinda vocal about needing to talk to her girlfriends because men just don’t listen or something.

He hadn’t heard the rest.

All evening his mind was firmly fixed elsewhere, on Ellie’s all-day guarded expression, unnoticed by others but obvious to him and then the flicker of hurt before she left work abruptly.

He had blown off Ellie for a mind-numbing evening with a forgettable brunette and he felt horrible.

When it came to Ellie there were a lot of things he felt conflicted about; he knew he had fucked up way back, but it was …complicated. Elena said he was a blind idiot a couple of months ago; she had seen ‘it’, whatever it was, as plain as day and called him out on it, then dumped him. That irritated him too.

Everything about the past few months irritated him.

After leaving Lauren and the pretentious bar she had picked to have their drink, he drove straight to Ellie’s place, glad he had stuck to his rule of only having a couple of the light beers since she had balled him out after Reeves when he hit the bottle hard. He had let her in a little bit back then; he couldn’t do that again.

Knocking his usual rap on her door he squared his shoulders fully expecting a frosty reception. Surprisingly, there was no reply and putting his head closer to the door he heard nothing but silence, the investigator in him noting there wasn’t even a sliver of light leaking under her door. Maybe she’d gone out, with someone, maybe even on a date that she impromptu arranged because he had rain checked her like the fucking idiot he was?

But that wasn’t like her, it was Tuesday, a school night as she’d say and looking at his watch, he realised it was almost eleven. He decided to call her, just in case, and immediately heard her musical ringtone buzzing from just beyond the front door. Seconds later he heard the chiming being cut off abruptly as she hung up. Still no response, no call of ‘wait a second’ in that voice of hers that oozed warmth and sunshine. He tapped on the door again.

‘Ellie, I know you're in there’

Finally, he heard the creak of her hardwood floorboards and the locks sliding back.

Ellie opened the door but held it only a couple of feet wide, bracing it with a stiff arm. She didn’t invite him in.

_Fuck, shit, fuck!_

‘Nick, it's late, what are you doing here?’ she huffed out a breath, getting in first with an indifferent attitude. Already in her pyjamas, she looked exhausted, her shoulders slumped, her face pale. She didn’t look like she had been asleep though, her hair was too neat for starters.

‘Are you just going to leave me on the doorstep?’ he needled her, knowing her ingrained manners would get the better of her. His eyes narrowed as he took in her tone and posture, he crossed his arms and gave her a pointed look until she relented and opened the door wide, letting him in.

Only past the threshold, he got straight to the point.

‘Ellie, are we good?’ he knew that was a completely ridiculous thing to ask, they were miles from anywhere near ‘good’.

‘Couldn’t this wait until tomorrow, I’ve had a really crappy day Nick, I’m tired-,’ pulling her pyjama sleeves down lower and balling the fabric up into fist while she switched on the table lamp instantly illuminating the room.

Stepping further inside to the living room he turned to face her, several things registering all at once.

‘Have you been crying?’ the light from the outside corridor lit up her face at just the right angle for him to see her wet, glassy eyes.

_Fuck shit fuck!_

‘And _why_ are you sitting in the dark?’ he asked, puzzled at the jumble of scatter cushions and her favourite throw strewn across the sofa and floor, her phone beside the empty wineglass on the table, identifying her location when he’d knocked.

‘I’m not, I was, um, watching tv’ she mumbled evasively. He wasn’t fooled for a second.

Taking tips from Gibbs he gave her an eyeballing stare until she looked away and walked into the kitchen pouring herself a glass of water. With the light on it was even more evident she had been crying recently, her pink puffy eyes and reddened nose giving her away.

‘What’s going on B? You're clearly upset’ he watched as she shrugged her shoulders, carefully avoiding his scrutiny with a downcast, subdued examination of the glass in her hand.

‘I’m fine’ she asserted, taking another sip of water. Except whatever the words were that were coming out of her mouth her face said the exact opposite.

‘Ok, that’s about ten times you’ve said you're _fine_ today!’ he reproached her in frustration.

‘Well, I am’ she answered blandly busying herself with wiping down the spotless countertop.

‘About the going for drinks thing earlier, I’m sorry ok, I shouldn’t have cancelled on you, it was a rude and a dick move’. She shrugged her shoulders again and he just caught the flash of a kicked-puppy look from her that damn near broke his heart. ‘Look we’ll do it tomorrow, no excuses I promise’ he was scrambling now, guilt-ridden that he had been so callous and insensitive earlier.

‘Sure Nick, tomorrow,’ he could see her downturned mouth twitch and her chin quiver as her grip tightened on her water glass. This was worse than he had expected.

_Oh god, she’s about to cry!_

‘Ellie?’ He took a step closer to her, her eyes shut as he closed the gap between them catching her hand in his desperate need to know what had upset her this much, hoping it wasn’t just his crass behaviour that led to this, yet terrified it was something more serious. Just then her phone rang, and she stepped away pulling her hand out of his.

‘I have to get this, it’s my brother George, he’s in Hawaii’. Taking a breath, she straightened herself up, standing taller, her voice firm. ‘Nick it’s fine, I had a crappy day that’s all. A drink with a friend would have helped a lot, but it’s done now – look, let yourself out ok?’

She waved goodbye over her shoulder as she took her call into the bedroom, firmly closing the door on him. He had been dismissed but he wasn’t going anywhere until they sorted this out. He could hear as her chirpy voice greeting her brother become more muted…and he wasn’t exactly eavesdropping and _overhearing_ wasn’t a crime, right?

‘Yeah, I saw…Murphy’s Law that it would be today huh?… really, George, I’m fine’

_There was that goddamn ‘I’m fine’ again!_

The rest of the brief call was just Ellie brightly telling them to enjoy the sunshine and to get her something ‘quirky’ as a souvenir. A couple of seconds later the door opened and she was taken aback to see him still standing there.

‘Are you not gone home yet?’ she tutted at him but there was no real heat in her irritation.

‘Nope’

She just groaned at him in exasperation.

‘Are you going to tell me what’s really going on? Was it the case today, that suicide?’ When she shook her head negligibly, he continued into awkward territory. ‘Are you upset that I, um, went out on a date? Because it wasn’t-,’

‘Nick’, she cut him off with an upraised palm, ‘you said it yourself; you don’t care who I date just like I don’t care who _you_ date, right?’ there was an edge to her voice that unnerved him more than a little.

‘Right’ he replied cautiously, sensing a trap as she threw those stupid words back at him.

‘It’s not always about _you_ Nick, I told you I’m having a bad day ok! I’m tired!’ she pushed her loose hair behind her ears in frustration. ‘I work, I come home, my family are far away, I don’t even have a cat!’

‘So, it’s about the _other_ case?’ he speculated and got a vexed look in return.

She huffed out something unintelligible probably a swearword in one of her many languages, it sounded a bit Nordic.

‘Bishop if you want a cat, we can go to a shelter…’ he was teasing her just a little, but it fell painfully flat.

She looked at him, her expression was totally blank, no emotion discernible at all and it unnerved him…a lot. Last time he had seen that face was just before she had gone full thermo-nuclear blast on his ass for even _thinking_ about driving home with too many tequilas on board.

She spoke then with a low, controlled voice. ‘It’s been a shitty day Nick. I just want to go to bed so that it’s tomorrow already. I’ll see you at work tomorrow. Go home’ he ordered him, snapping her mouth shut.

She literally shooed him out this time and so he left, skulked off back to his car feeling awful, like a with a horrible mixture of gut-wrenching guilt and confused unease churning up in his stomach. He was missing something. Lying in bed he replayed the whole day again, none of it showing himself in a particularly good light if he was being honest, and he resolved to try to cheer her up at work the next day. Thinking about it he realised their usual playful banter had been a bit stale recently, maybe he needed to up his game. He missed her laugh.

The next morning it all kinda fell into his lap, finding exactly what was needed to make her laugh out loud. He spotted them while picking up his morning coffee and getting into work before she did, he placed the clear box of cupcakes on her desk and scribbled the note, taking a photo and posting it to her Facebook page.

He just saw her blonde head appear in the midst of the morning crowd spilling out of the lift and he suddenly busied himself at the printer as he waited with breathless anticipation for her chortling laughter and the ribbing to begin. And he waited.

Nothing.

Silence.

He turned back to see her sitting at her desk, she still looked pale, maybe even paler than last night. She spoke quietly to someone on the phone, her eyes never leaving her computer screen. Abruptly she got up and left the bullpen and she was gone for the rest of the day, though he knew for certain she must have popped back at some stage unseen, by him at any rate, as her bag and coat were gone and her computer shutdown.

The cupcakes were still front and centre on her desk, uneaten, unmoved, untouched. He was starting to worry about her appetite now; although he had seen the empty bottle of wine on her coffee table the night before, there was no evidence of cooking or takeout and just now he checked her rubbish bin and saw it was starkly empty of the usual mountain of sweet and treat wrappers.

When her desk was still empty the following day, he definitely got concerned.

‘Hey Gibbs, where’s Bishop?’

‘Personal day’

‘Is something wrong, has something happened?’ he quizzed him, anxiety twisting his guts. In all the time he had known her, Ellie had never used a personal day believing they were for urgent emergencies and sudden unforeseen crises.

‘It’s called a ‘personal day’ for a reason, Torres!’ Gibbs barked back, cutting off any possibilities of asking a follow-up question

Eyeing his boss cautiously he made for the stairwell pulling out his phone and texting a message to her number en route. He had a bad feeling about all of it.

‘Bishop, are you ok?’

Almost immediately a text came back.

‘Yes, I’m fine’. He rolled his eyes reading that awful, completely non-explanatory word again.

‘Boss said you took a personal day?’ He wanted to put ‘tell me what’s wrong because I’m worried about you!’ but he didn’t, and that irritated him, that with _her_ he could never just say what he actually wanted to say. A couple of minutes ticked by with no reply though he could see the three little dots form and disappear again as she scripted her text back. By ten minutes he was raking his fingers brusquely through his hair, impatient with apprehension.

Finally, his phone pinged with her reply.

‘I’m in Boston. See you Monday’

No explanation, no elaboration, no smiley face emoji.

_So, this is what being in the doghouse feels like!_


	3. Short sharp shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crappy week culminating in having to get my poor dog put to sleep...this might be a bit of transference/projection/indulgence! Sorry!

Kasie was damn sure she didn’t want to be doing this, but she just had to. Yeah, she could get her ass kicked off the team for turning all mama-bear but if she didn’t get this off her chest, she would spontaneously combust with rage anyways, so what the hell!

As the minutes ticked down to 6 pm the second thoughts jitters set in. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea; Sloane would have been a much better, more _appropriate_ person to do it, but she was off in Afghanistan for another six weeks.

Fuck it, no, she wasn’t going to shirk it, it _had_ to be said.

She looked at her phone again. They had all RSVPed to her ‘Teambuilding’ presentation, well she _had_ kinda added that attendance was deemed _compulsory_.

One by one they appeared in her lab, none looking too impressed at being delayed late on a Friday evening. Their day was about to get a shit load worse.

Once Gibbs arrived coffee cup in hand it was time to begin.

‘Ok so, its 6.01 pm, can we all agree that it’s now officially _after_ hours and that we’re _off_ the clock?’ she started briskly with a tenuous hope that the loophole might keep her in employment.

She waited until each of them acknowledged her, McGee stopped texting, Jimmy quit mumbling to a cranky-looking Torres and Gibbs did his glare thing.

She swallowed past the ball of nerves stuff in her throat, nope not a good idea at all!

‘What’s going on Kasie?’ Nick sounded bored, his mind obviously somewhere else.

‘You're here for a presentation guys or maybe a reverse intervention?’ She pursed her lips as the lack of interest riled her even more.

‘Ok so I’m the still be newbie, but I'm here a long enough now and I’ve been pretty much told by everyone that this team is like a ‘family’’, she did the air rabbit ears at that one, ‘we care about each other, right? We have each other’s back’ she hammed it up in a chummy, singsong voice and watched as they all nodded.

‘Right Kasie, what’s happened? Has someone _upset_ you?’ Gibbs pinned her with a hard look, and she noticed Nick uncrossing his arms and widening his stance, unconsciously preparing to hit someone.

‘Yeah Gibbs, _you_ have, and you and you, hell you all have!’ she pointed at the older man and then continued to jab her finger at each of them. Now she had their full attention!

‘ _What?_ what-! ’a cacophony of spluttered questions erupted but she slammed her hand down on her desk until they shut up abruptly at the sudden bang.

She continued like nobody had interrupted her. ‘The only person who hasn’t upset me is Bishop, but I’m pretty damn upset _for her_. But she’s not here. She’s in Boston.’ She knew by Nick’s face it wasn’t news to him, but the others looked both surprised and confused.

Time to go for the collective jugular.

‘I’ll get straight to the point. Tuesday was Bishop’s birthday and not one of you, _not one_ , wished her a happy birthday’ she let them all squirm for a moment, savouring their horrified remorseful expressions and hearing the mumbled word repeated groaned: ‘forgot’. She took the opportunity to post up a photo of Bishop, all smiles with her basket of homemade muffins from the last office ‘Share to Care’ day on the plasma, it was a presentation after all!

‘Now I’m damn sure she hasn’t forgotten any of your birthdays. Gibbs, I know I drove shotgun with Bishop all the way to Virginia Beach, with Taylor Swift on loop for _hours_ , to get that super special can of teak oil for your boat for your birthday. And you two’ she switched her finger back and forth between Tim and Jimmy, ‘who volunteered to mind your kids on _your_ birthdays and your _wives’_ birthdays so you could go out?’

She flipped her attention to an ashen-faced Torres, currently covering the bottom half of his face with both hands. ‘And _you,_ Nick, I saw the lovely sketch she did of your sister and niece, but I’ll deal with you in a minute!’ she spat out.

‘Enough Kase, we get it, we screwed up-’ she cut Gibbs off with a raised hand, defying his surprised glare.

‘I’m not done, not even close!’ Gibbs acknowledged her with a nod and waving his hand he gave her the floor to continue.

‘McGee, you and Delilah probably know Ellie the best, what _other_ event coincides with her birthday?’

‘Oh god!’ his face that had been flushed with shame now paled in horror, as Nick did a double-take, obviously out of the loop.

‘That’s right, ten points to Gryffindor!’ she cheered sarcastically. ‘Her _wedding_ anniversary, a double whammy huh? And if anyone of you had actually taken note of how down she’s been for the last couple of weeks or really asked her how she was doing, she might have told about you this’ she clicked the remote control and posted up the photo. ‘Yeah, her ex and the woman he had the affair with had a baby this week, on Ellie’s birthday. Photo of baby _Cody_ ’ she saw Nick stiffen out of the corner of her eye, ‘available on Facebook…where there are _still_ no birthday wishes’. 

‘I feel awful, if I'd had _known_ …’ Jimmy looked about ready to crawl up his own ass with contrition.

‘What, is she supposed to advertise or something? Did you have to tell her _your_ birthday Jimmy? Did any of you? How hard is it to set a reminder guys, even you Gibbs, you own a calendar, right?’ 

‘I can’t believe I forgot! I’ve just been so busy with the twins and with Delilah away…’ Tim had his chin down on his chest.

‘Busy like spending your weekend stitching a million sequins onto a couple of dragon costumes?’ Kasie asked caustically. He had the good grace to throw his head back in abject consternation now!

‘Since I started on this team, I’ve seen Bishop do nice, kind, generous things for you guys like all the time, without being asked, or reminded, never looking for anything in return. She’s like a one-woman welcome wagon around here and she has been amazing to me personally as the newbie. Now I know Abby was the _heart_ of this team before me and I’m damn lucky I didn’t need to fill those shoes; _Bishop_ had already stepped up. She’s our team Little Miss Sunshine and let me tell you, she’s completely crushed’

All four faces were glum now each awkwardly fixing their gaze on her boots. Tim, ever the peacemaker, was the first to reply.

‘Kasie, we screwed up, you are 100% right in everything you just said’ Jimmy nodded along frantically. ‘We forgot, _I_ forgot, and we’ve clearly been taking Ellie for granted and taking advantage of her kindness. So on Monday, we’ll all apologise for missing her birthday and bring her out somewhere really nice-,’

‘ _No_! Not one of you is to pull the belated, ‘sorry we forgot’ thing on her! She’s hurt enough though she’ll never say it. She’d feel awkward and embarrassed and doing all that crap might make _you guys_ feel better, salve your own consciences, but _she’d_ hate it.’ She got a lot of muffled agreement on that with a lot more shuffling of feet.

Oh, they all wanted out now, but she had one more kick in the nuts for them.

‘One last thing before I conclude gentlemen: we’re _losing_ her. North East division has been headhunting her for months, with her skill set she’s an invaluable asset to any team, and right now she’s in Boston talking to them about transferring. And she told me she has _friends_ there’. She took a deep steadying breath waiting for each of them to infer what they wanted from that one!

‘So, go home, have a good weekend and think about how you all are a pretty lame-ass excuse for a family. Here endeth the presentation’ she intoned gravely. ‘ _You_ , stay!’ she ordered pointing at Nick.

Gibbs’s chin zigzagged as he ground his teeth, she braced herself for impact. But nothing came, he seemed to take what she had said on his chiselled chin. He gave her a reticent smile and a short nod, ‘You heard the lady!’ he barked at them, shooing Jimmy and Tim out in front of him.

She waited for the door to slide shut before she turned to face Nick, he looked like he’d braced himself for impact too as he stood to attention; hands clasped in front of him awaiting his punishment. He started in on excuses as soon as she glowered at him with flinty eyes.

‘Ok, I fucked up, I should have known it was her birthday. But Bishop just remembers stuff, photographic memory…’ Nick huffed defensively.

‘And you manage to set a reminder for drinking your protein shakes! But this isn’t about forgetting her birthday’. She shook her head in disappointment at the man in front of her. ‘How could you be so cruel, Nick?’

‘ _Cruel?_ ’ he blurted, his head flinching back in confusion.

She flicked the remote and up popped the photo he had taken and posted on Ellie’s Facebook page. The clear plastic box of three cupcakes decorated artistically with sugar paste icing, each one like a different colour cat: a ginger, a grey and black and white kitty, liquorice shoestring whiskers and all. Beside them his scribbled note he had left on her desk.

 _‘Hey Bishop, here’s your crazy cat lady starter kit!’_ he had added a smiley face.

‘What? She loves cake!’ he joshed in response to her crossing her arms and eyeballing him with a fierce stare.

‘Don’t you _dare_ sass me with that smart mouth Torres!’

_Jesus, I sound like my mother!_

‘You think comparing Bishop to a lonely, old lady with mental health problems was what, _funny_?’

‘Woah! Come on Kasie I didn’t mean it like _that!_ It was just a joke!’ Nick screwed up his face tight and raked his fingers roughly through his usually pristine hairdo sending it spiking up in all directions, as it dawned on him how Bishop probably interpreted his stunt.

‘It wasn’t funny, Nick, it was mean and thoughtless and, way to kick a girl when she’s down, huh?’

‘I’ll delete it’ he hastily pulled out his phone and scrambled to fix his screw up.

‘The damage is done, Torres! You're her partner, her friend and what was it, oh yeah, she’s like a ‘sister’ to you?’ His head snapped up with a horrified dropped jaw hearing that doozy being repeated. ‘Yeah I heard that BS a couple of girl’s nights ago when several pitchers of margarita loosened her tongue. You seriously need to get your head out of your ass before it’s too late’ she huffed in exasperation.

The pair of them were a disaster when it came to their obvious mutual feelings for each other, but she reckoned it was Nick that was the hard nut to crack.

‘Is she really leaving?’ he mumbled quietly, all the smug, smirky swagger had evaporated. Maybe this was her first glimpse of the real Nick, emotionally vulnerable just like everyone else. For a second or two she felt sorry for him, those chocolate puppy-dog eyes were just ridiculous sympathy-inducing weapons!

But this was an intervention she had to be tough on him.

‘Does it matter? You didn’t notice her when she was here so you won’t miss her when she’s gone, will you Nick?’

His face contorted in inner turmoil.

Kasie turned on her heel after throwing down the gauntlet to him, leaving him silent and alone stewing in his own thoughts.


	4. Band-aid

It had been a total car crash day and as soon as she had shooed Nick out of her apartment, looking baffled and bothered, she crawled into her bed and just waited for the minutes to tick away until it turned midnight.

It was done. So far being thirty-six sucked!

But as Scarlet O’Hara said, ‘after all, tomorrow is another day’ and so she waltzed into work the next morning with false _joie de vivre_ determined to put her disappointment and hurt behind her and just get on with her job.

She did that for the minute or so it took her to walk from the lift to her desk and take her seat.

And then she saw them, cat cupcakes that she knew were from Nick, even before reading the note in his free-flowing, slightly slanted script she knew so well _._

_‘Hey Bishop, here’s your crazy cat lady starter kit!_

It hit her like a torpedo in the heart.

Yeah, _she_ knew she was lonely but was that how _he_ saw her, a friendless spinster, with no life except work, on a one-way, fast-track to the isolation of solitary old age, with a bunch of cats, smelling of pee and where a chat to a stranger was the highlight of her week?

Was she really such a joke to him?

After months of irrational, confusing pining over Nick Torres, someone she had thought of as her best friend, and maybe she was ready to admit her feelings for him were a mile or so down the road from platonic, _this_ cut her to the quick. Mentally listing the hurts inflicted by her ‘friend’ since just yesterday she bit down hard enough to crack teeth to keep her tears at bay. She had almost told him the day before, just blurted out that it was her birthday and she was pissed off about _stuff,_ but she didn’t and now it seemed like a bigger deal.

Glancing up she saw his broad back at the printer just a cubical away and she knew he was waiting for a reaction from her but that was _not_ going to happen. If it killed her she would not show him how stung she was by his thoughtless prank, because it had to be that, just a prank right? She just couldn’t believe there was any other reason he would be so nasty to her. Not Nick.

Something detonated within her.

_Enough!_

Enough with being overlooked, being unappreciated, giving 100% and getting the dregs in return. She was there for everyone else but who was there for her, when she needed some support, some encouragement? She was always there for Nick, always!

And she wasn’t being a drama queen about it, she justifiably felt undervalued. She was worth more than that, and she had had enough of his and everybody’s crap!

And she had other friends, good friends!

Pointedly ignoring him and his damn cakes she scrolled down until she found the number she wanted, and she pressed call.

‘ _Elsie?_ Hey!’ her friend squealed down the phone ‘Please tell me you’re saying yes!’

It seemed a lifetime ago since she had been nicknamed ‘Elsie’ by her crazy dormmate Megan back in college. They were both recruited out of the Analytical Science programme by government agencies, Ellie to NSA and Megan to NCIS in Rhode Island originally but she had led a team in Boston for a long time. They always kept in touch, but busy lives kept them from catching up in person as often as they would like.

‘Hey Megan, yes to what?’

‘To the _email_ I sent you…?’ she drawled out good-naturedly.

‘Erm I haven’t checked my inbox yet, I was just calling to ask are you free this weekend for a visit?’ she asked brightly, trying hard to keep the pleading tone from her voice.

‘Elsie, happy birthday, by the way, check your emails! I sent you a gift yesterday for your big day and yes of course! I’m actually on annual leave and doing nada all week!’

Ellie hastily opened her personal email to find Megan had sent a virtual greeting card with a montage of photos of them both in college and attached was a gift voucher for a return flight to Boston.

‘ _Megan_! That is actually _the_ best gift imaginable today’ she whispered excitedly. ‘Look I’m at work now and I’m going to have to pull a personal, but I’ll check flights and hopefully get one for tomorrow?’

‘Or _tonight_ maybe?’ she wheedled, ‘we need girl time and I’d like to try to twist your arm again about joining our team over drinks…lots of drinks, I can promise you a few of those lime margaritas I know you love! Come on, take a walk on the wild side again Elsie!’ Megan always was a bad influence, the years in law enforcement had not changed her apparently.

‘Ok’ she didn’t need any further encouragement, she was not going to end up like Ms Beauchamp, even if she did really like cats.

‘Ok ok, like you're on the way ok?’ she could actually visualise her friend bopping up and down on her seat in childlike eagerness.

‘Yup, I’ll pack some glad rags for girl’s night out and you know what, pitch me again about the job, I might actually be interested this time’ she whispered conspiratorially. Only minutes later she had a flight booked for that evening and a very excitable Megan planning out a few days of sightseeing, fun and even an informal introduction-kinda-interview with her team director.

Once off the call she left her desk and headed to the archives, she could do her casework there for the day without even looking at _him_. She certainly wasn’t going to give Nick the satisfaction of whatever he had been expecting her response would be.

It was a spur of the moment decision but as the wheels of the plane touched down in Logan a smile broke out on her face. She deserved some Ellie/Elsie time, and she didn’t even feel guilty calling in the request for personal days, she personally needed a break!

By the Saturday girl’s night on the town Ellie had packed in so much, in so few short days, but she didn’t feel overwhelmed, it felt exhilarating and fun and revitalising. Megan and her two friends Roz and Beth had joined them on a pub crawl of Beantown and they were all several pitchers deep in margaritas, putting the world to rights in a late-night southern-styled dance bar in Fenway. The raucous conversations had gone from naughty to rude to crude and had settled somewhere between _Magic Mike_ movie appreciation, a possible trip to Vegas to see the show live and Ellie’s move to Boston as a matter of urgency.

Because it was happening, she had decided.

Megan had it all figured out. There was a twelve-week vacancy available on her team while a colleague was seconded to the Europe office, after which if Ellie wanted she could definitely stay on permanently. The director had been amazed that someone with Ellie’ s skills would consider a regional office over DC. Megan even insisted she stay for free with her and Owen, her little boy; she had space, she got the big house in leafy Brookline as part of her divorce a few years back. The whole top floor could be Ellie’s, repayment in home cooking lessons was the deal.

‘So, Elsie I still sense a little reluctance, give it up, what’s tying you to DC?’

‘I don’t know, my team I guess, we’re all pretty close, we work well together…’

‘Mmhmm, take a drink, so pretty close to anyone in particular, like a co-worker?’ she needled her with an inquisitive look.

Ellie choked a little as the lime sourness hit her throat.

‘Circle of trust Ells, circle of trust!’ she encouraged her some more as she whipped her finger around in a swirl indicating whatever she said wouldn’t leave the table.

‘Ok ok! I thought there was something … _growing_ between myself and someone I work with-,’

‘I bet if he saw you in that dress your wearing tonight there would be something growing in his pants’ Roz sniggered, giving Ellie an appreciative nudge. It was her last night in Boston, all the girls had gone for full-on glitz and she was rocking an eye-popper of a little black number. It had been a long time since Ellie had had so many admiring looks from random guys. But then she rarely went out back in DC.

‘Is he on your friends list because I just posted our picture?’ she laughed out loud showing them all the photo that they had asked the waitress to take of them earlier before they were as trashed as they were now. It was a good photo, showing a genuine smile and _way_ more leg than usual, surrounded by friends, out having fun. Idly she wondered what he’d think when he saw it, then chastised herself.

He wasn’t interested in her like that, he had blown her off to go on a date with someone else, right in front of her, when she needed him the most!

‘Anyways I guess I just realised this week that I was wasting my time, and effort and energy waiting for others to you know, make me happy. I have to do it for myself’.

She didn’t need him, she argued with herself again, even if his smile lit up her soul and being around him felt like home.

‘Amen! Singing to the choir Ells! Look at me, after my divorce I went into a tailspin, I went on loads of dates looking for Mister Right. But it’s different for guys, they don’t have a biological clock. I hated the pressure to find a guy who I loved, who loved me, who wanted kids, and was ready to settle down…’. She shook her head in exasperation. ‘I was ready, if I’m honest I was lonely, and I have a lot of love to give. So, I took the step myself’

‘Huh?’

‘Owen, he wasn’t a for old times sake with my ex or a surprise from a one-night fumble. I went to a sperm donor clinic, picked daddy from a catalogue and hey presto I have what I always wanted, to be a mom, have my own family. If I meet a guy now, well we’re a package deal’

‘That is...amazing’ she _had_ wondered when Megan announced she was pregnant a couple of years ago but was too polite to ask.

‘Ellie, the last couple of years have been rough on you, asshole Jake, and I saw the photo, by the way, I imagine that was all kinds of difficult to deal with on your birthday!’

‘Yeah, my birthday was…shitty, Nick, well um, everyone at work forgot or whatever and then it was a rough day with a case and then he…anyways it was bleugh!’ she made a childish pretend vomit sound.

‘So, _Nick_ huh? I thought so.’

‘What, you thought what?’

‘You do know you talk about him all the time, like every phone call we have?’

‘He’s my partner… and we hang out together a lot’ she answered defensively.

‘Say his name Elsie, without blushing, or crossing your legs…I know your tells, you have the hots for him’

‘It’s the margaritas Megan and I need to pee’ she scoffed, squirming on the high stool, clenching her thighs together feeling the familiar fire spread and lick her core as images Nick’s dark brown eyes, his muscular arms, his tanned hands flashed in her mind. She felt her face burn.

‘Yeah, sure it is. It’s _more_ than the hots isn’t it?’ she speculated narrowing her eyes.

‘Maybe’ it was the first time she had admitted it out loud, even if it was the copious cocktails addling her mind. But it brought her no joy, her shoulders drooped in defeat. ‘It’s complicated’ she sighed really not wanting to talk about how disappointed she was.

Ellie had thought he was different, that he cared about her, understood her. She had let Nick in, let him get too close and that mistake had allowed him to hurt her. She had noticed that the cat cupcake post he had put up had been deleted yesterday but there was no apology or explanation, and apart from the quick text he had sent asking was she ok, there was radio-silence. Ellie clenched her jaw again determined not to get upset.

‘Have you kissed him? Beth asked slurping her drink through the straw, pulling her out of her moment of vexation.

‘Once, an undercover op, it wasn’t real’ her face flamed afresh as she replayed _that_ moment yet again. It had been real to her.

‘Anyways ‘I’m like a sister’ to him apparently!’ she mimicked his tone if not his voice. She didn’t see _him_ as a brother that’s for damn sure, she had plenty of brothers and brotherly friends and none of them made her feel like he did… She didn’t have _those_ kinds of dreams about _them_ , the ones with warm hands and lips and hips pressing against her skin.

She kicked herself for bringing the ‘sister’ line up because now they twisted her arm into relaying the whole Richard and Elena double-date fiasco.

‘Dear lord you’re blind!’ Megan tutted with an exaggerated ‘duh’.

Roz piped up, ‘I don’t even know you that well and I can smell the BS!’

‘Nick, who cancelled your date with that other guy last year? Yeah, I have a memory almost as good as you El! The same Nick who now throws a hissy fit in front of his own date because you were on a date? And says he doesn’t _care_ who you date? The guy is _jealous_ ’ Megan enlightened her with a knowing roll of her eyes.

Ellie spluttered a repudiation but then just shrugged her shoulders, ‘Look if my birthday proved anything it’s that he does _not_ think of me like that, he doesn’t think of me at all. In fact, I doubt he’ll even miss me when I’m gone’.

The three girls in front of her raised their eyebrows simultaneously in scepticism.

Megan raised her glass for a toast, ‘To Elsie, may your move to Boston be just what you need aaaannnd to absence making the heart grow fonder!’ she added with a wicked laugh.


	5. Only making it worse

Nick was going out of his damn mind. Sleepless nights thinking about Ellie were not a new thing, but they usually involved dropping his hand below his sheets and a happy ending.

But it was never enough. His body ached with the need to touch her skin, taste her, be with her, inside her...

Whatever hope he’d had of _that_ ever happening was gone now, his own stupid fault.

He lay in his bed tossing and turning, wracked with guilt and remorse and shame, wondering how he could have been such a complete asshole to Ellie, his best friend, his…well he didn’t exactly have a name for what Ellie was to him but it was considerably _more_ than a friend and that terrified him more than a little. He felt physically sick knowing he had let her down, horribly, all because he was a selfish bastard who went out of his way to protect himself above looking out for her.

To have Kasie catalogue his failures, to see the disappointment in her eyes as she shook her head at him was stomach-churning. Yeah, she called them _all_ out on their recent conduct, but _he_ was Ellie’s partner, he was her …person.

Kasie knew that, hell the whole team suspected it!

He forgot her birthday, and not just forgot, no he had been so up his own ass hadn’t bothered to look it up even after she had given him such a sweet, personal gift of a family sketch. She had heard him say he didn’t have a family photo with his sister and niece, and she had taken the time to draw one herself, just for him. He loved it, treasured it. He had so few personal possessions after his years undercover and Ellie seemed to know that instinctively.

She always knew exactly what he needed.

He knew she had been distracted the past couple of weeks, her appetite was off that was a giveaway, but had he taken the time to really ask, really listen? Nope, and he felt ashamed of himself because he knew for damn sure _she_ wouldn’t give up until he had talked out anything that was bugging him. How many times had she gone out for drinks, just to keep an eye on him when he struggled after Reeves? How many nights had she asked him over for pizza and a movie just so he wouldn’t hit a bar knowing he needed to talk and be angry and reminisce about their friend?

She was always there for him.

He had no idea about her ex, the cheating and now a baby because he had never asked. He thumped his forehead with his clenched fists just thinking about the kid’s name, _Cody_.

Ouch!

He couldn’t imagine anything more hurtful to happen on a birthday but then what did he do?

_Fucking idiot Torres!_

Just when she needed him, he dropped her for a date with Lauren, who meant _nothing_ to him. But that’s what he did, dated women that meant nothing, like Elena, who was lovely sure, but she wasn’t what he wanted. None of his dates or girlfriends were.

They weren’t Ellie.

He knew why he did it, it was easier, with them there was no risk to him, they could never get inside his armour. Ellie was _all_ risk. She found every chink, every loophole and weak spot and she wormed her way in and took up residence in his heart.

And then the cherry on top…his stupid, mean, thoughtless ‘joke’ that had pushed her gentle soul into a dark place where leaving seemed an option.

He did that and it was eating him alive.

Monday morning, he dragged his tired, cranky ass into work knowing he needed to fix things with Ellie somehow. He had just grabbed a coffee from the staffroom when he heard her voice talking with Gibbs.

‘Um, Boss can I talk to you?’

‘Shoot Bishop’

‘I um, I’ve been offered a temporary transfer post to the Boston office to work on a case. It’s just for three months, starting next Monday. I don’t need your permission, Vance has already agreed, but I’d like your blessing, I guess’.

_Kasie was right, she was leaving!_

‘Are you coming back?’ Gibbs asked her cautiously. Nick held his breath but already guessed the answer.

‘I um, I don’t know’ she muttered in a small voice. ‘I completely understand if you need to replace me on the team’

‘Your desk will be waiting for you _when_ you get back Bishop’ the boss reassured her firmly without even grilling her on the details.

‘ _Really_?’ She seemed taken aback in surprise by his calm acquiescence.

‘Sometimes we need to get away just to realise where we’re meant to be. Come back to us Bishop’.

After she left the bullpen, Nick strode to his desk and slapped down his coffee cup, sloshing some of the brown liquid on the stacked files.

‘You could have _tried_ to convince her to stay, you know, make it harder for her to leave!’ he snapped bitterly, anger making him forget himself and who he was talking to.

‘If you want her to stay so bad Torres maybe _you_ should tell her that and quit getting in _my_ grill’ Gibbs barked back, levelling Nick with one of his quintessential stares.

Nick had no answer to that, and he barely endured the rest of the day with the fiery ball of frustration spitting and hissing in his chest. He watched as the rest of the team made a fuss of her, obviously trying to soothe their own remorse without actually apologising for forgetting her birthday, as per Kasie’s edict. McGee had the twins in for an afternoon visit, both in costume with a bouquet of flowers to thank her for making them the best dragons in their class. Palmer casually dropped up a set of drawing pencils that he had come across and thought she would like before he none too subtly went on and on about the team dynamics, thankfulness and mindfulness culminating in him insisting on a team hug that he just barely avoided. Kasie had brought her out for lunch. Nick knew Gibb’s calm consent to her transfer was his contribution to the ‘we’re sorry’ cause.

Nick listened in furtively as she told the guys all about her trip and gleaned tidbits about her plans in Boston, living with a friend, Megan, he remembered she’d talked about her before, and about working on a joint task force with the French Canadians tracking maritime drug running. She sounded enthusiastic and happy and when he sneakily glanced over, he caught her beaming smile, just like that photo of her out in Boston Saturday night on her FB page.

He waited until it was just the two of them still at their desks that evening to say something, and he approached her apprehensively, still without a firm idea of where to start.

‘So, Boston, huh?’ he stood close enough to her desk that he could just pick up the hint of her subtle perfume. He hadn’t been this close to her in days.

‘Yup, Boston’ she answered offhandedly, still packing stuff into her backpack, not even looking at him.

‘Ellie, about last week, I’m really, really sorry. I’m an asshole and I know I’ve fucked up’ he wanted the desk not to be between them, his fingers itched to push her hair back so he could see her face, know what she was thinking.

‘What _exactly_ are you apologising for Nick?’ she grilled him sharply, just like she would in an interrogation, giving the perp enough rope to hang himself.

He decided to go with 100% honesty, he owed her that.

‘I’m sorry I forgot your birthday’ he heard her suck in a breath at that, ‘and for not being there for you, for not getting that drink, for the cupc-,’

She held up her hand to halt his confession.

‘Stop Nick, just stop. It’s done, over’ she muttered with an air of finality and he didn’t miss the bitterness in her tone. She swallowed harshly and added ‘apology accepted’. She didn’t look at him and he knew he wasn’t forgiven.

‘Are we still friends?’ he asked hesitantly, his guts clenched as so much hinged on her answer.

She gave him a sceptical look, ‘I don’t know Nick’ she shrugged and grabbed her jacket. She left, leaving him feeling even worse as it dawned on him how much he had lost.

They barely spoke over the next couple of days, Ellie was mostly benched finishing up reports and breaking in the new guy Brian, a solid, shiny-faced, middle-aged dude from forensic accounting who would be temping at her desk until she came back… _if_ she came back, and he was increasingly worried that was unlikely.

By Friday his nerves were fried. It was her last day and he was counting down the minutes until she arrived knowing he would spend his day counting down the minutes he had left with her. It didn’t help that he hadn’t been sleeping and what few hours he got had been inundated with dreams of her, of them together, or worse saying goodbye on loop; wash rinse repeat.

She was late and he was almost afraid to ask had she decided to finish-up a day early. Ten minutes later a frazzled looking Bishop arrived, bemoaning to McGee that her truck wouldn’t start again, and she had to get an Uber. She was stressing out because with her plan to drive to Boston the next day she had no time to organise a mechanic who would fix it at this short notice, so she’d have to hire a car and she was growling in frustration. Added to that she and McGee were called to follow up on the case they had been working on, so she'd be out of the office all day.

Nick waited until they left and opened her top drawer grabbing her keys and walking to the stairwell he dialled a number he hadn’t used in a long time.

‘Hector, it’s Nick Torres. I’m calling in that favour you owe me. I need a 1987 Ford F150 repaired and made safe and reliable _today_. I’ll courier over the keys and send you the address. 4 pm deadline, I need the truck back, job done. You do this, consider us all square.’

Nick knew Hector would have it done, he owed him big time.

All the same, it was 430pm when a very impatient and flustered Nick met him at the outer gate of the Navy Yard carpark, Hector was not exactly on the right side of the law, any law. Driving her truck to her usual spot he noticed the chop-shop mechanic had gone all out, the engine purred, four new tyres and the paintwork was gleaming.

As he bounded out of the elevator, hoping to put the keys back before she even noticed them gone, he all but ran smack into Ellie who immediately averted her eyes from him and took a step back.

‘Um Nick, I’ve lost my car keys and Gibbs said to ask _you_ about it?’ her forehead was creased in awkward bewilderment.

He cleared his throat and handed them back to her ‘I um, got a buddy to look it over…fix some stuff. You're all set.’

‘Some stuff? Nick the truck is _dying_ a slow death’ she shook her head incredulously ‘it needs a ton of stuff-,’

‘I took care of it’ he cut her off before she started stressing.

‘No I can’t let you, Nick, that must have cost a -,’

‘Will you just let me do this for you? Please Ellie!’ it came out all blustery because he was trying so hard to keep the pleading from his voice. Her eyes snapped up to his and for a moment he really thought she was going to go ballistic at him. Instead, she bit down on her lower lip and crossed her arms, nodding her head faintly in acceptance.

‘Ok. Thank you, Nick’

He felt himself visibly deflate as he relaxed a little and he was about to walk away she blurted, ‘I thought you- never mind’ she shook her head, her eyes fixed on the set of keys she was playing with his her hands.

‘What?’ he asked her softly and he watched as a blush spread up her jawline and across her beautiful face.

‘I um, thought you had taken my keys, you know, to hide them goofing about, to try to stop me going…’

‘Would it work?’ he asked tentatively

‘Nope, probably not’ a nervous smile tugged at her lips as she shrugged her shoulder.

‘You want to go, and I can’t stop you, right?’ It was a stupid thing to say.

 _I want her to stay because I love her._ It hit like a sledgehammer in the chest.

‘Right.’ She said it firmly enough, only _maybe_ he imagined her face seemed to be saying something different. But he couldn’t just ask her to stay, for _him_ … he was too afraid of her outright rejection. They locked eyes a couple of seconds longer than usual and he _almost_ did it- blurt out what he really needed, wanted, to tell her, but he froze as she spoke first and the moment passed.

‘Are you coming out for drinks later? Kasie is insisting on ‘going away’ beers in Foley’s tonight with everyone’

‘I’m not sure…’ he answered evasively, his heart still hammering with adrenaline at how close he had been to spilling his guts seconds before. She probably only being polite.

‘I’d like you to come’ her voice was warm and sincere, and she wanted him there.

‘Then I’ll be there’ and he just couldn’t help the cheesy smile that spread over his face as she walked away, that she had forgiven him even a little bit.

Foley’s was a long, old-fashioned, juke-box dive bar that had become a bit of a local joint with all of them over the past couple of years, it helped that the dress code was whatever the hell you're wearing and most of the customers were ex-military and so behaved themselves when NCIS were in the house. Nick knew he should quit with the whiskey; it wasn’t helping his foul mood. He had hit the gym after work, hit it hard enough to bruise his knuckles beating the shit out of the punch bag, and his legs still trembled from pushing himself to his limit on the treadmill.

She was going and his need for her was making him crazy.

Ellie was oblivious to his misery, blithely dancing to 80’s rock anthems with Kasie, Brianna and Delilah, while the guys drank beer and talked about missing her already.

He was fit to explode.

It didn’t help that she looked gorgeous tonight in a red floral tea dress that stopped a fair bit above her knee showing off her killer legs, her leather jacket and ankle boots finishing off her outfit. She looked different, edgy, sexier if that was even possible.

Gibbs had stayed for a couple of beers then as he was leaving, he wrapped her in a bearhug speaking some private words of wisdom in her ear quietly. The usually stoic guy even gave her a kiss on the cheek for Christ sake.

How come everyone else could just show her how much she meant to them?

Ellie looked a bit teary-eyed after Gibbs left and for a couple of minutes it was just the two of them at the table, the others all doing a round of shots at the bar.

He had to say it.

‘Don’t go’ he whispered tersely grabbing her hand in his own.

‘Give me a reason to stay’ she answered softly as if that were the simplest thing in the world. Of course, the guys headed back at the booth at that exact moment.

‘Ellie I …what do you want me to say?’ he stammered defensively, kicking himself as the words fell out of his mouth and seeing the flash of hurt in her flinty eyes.

‘I think you just said it Nick’ she hissed, shaking off his grip as she grabbed her bag and excused herself to head to the ladies.

_Fucking idiot Torres!_

Throwing back the last of his whiskey he followed her on an impulse he couldn’t explain, treading his way down the back of the bar, past the dimly lit closed-off pool tables and stacks of spare high-stools. The bar was obviously designed with guys in mind, the women’s toilet pretty much a just converted store-cupboard almost at the back fire escape. As she came out of the restroom, he blocked her by just standing in front of her.

‘I don’t want to fight Nick’ she sighed resolutely.

‘I don’t want to fight either’ his voice sounded low and gravelly even to him as he tried to swallow past the nervous tightening in his throat.

‘You’ve had a face like thunder all night, I’ll be out of your hair soon enough’ she promised him heatedly

He took a step closer to her, every breath burning in his chest with the effort of controlling himself, keeping a lid on his emotions that were coming to a rolling boil. Reaching out he took a long tendril of her glimmering blonde hair and wrapped it gently around his finger like a soft rope, maybe hoping to use it as an anchor to hold on to her. He loved her hair but he had never touched it before, not like this.

He inched forward and moved so close to her he could feel the heat of her body radiating through his clothes. He heard her breath catch as he leaned in, gently inhaling the warm vanilla scent from her freshly washed hair. His hands itched to touch her, to hold her if only for a moment.

‘It's late Nick, I have a long drive tomorrow, I’d better go say goodbye to the others…’ she haltingly whispered, not completely immune to his proximity maybe.

‘Don’t go’ he tried again.

‘Why Nick? Give me a reason’ she repeated herself locking her eyes on his intensely.

‘I’ll have nobody to go to goat yoga with’ he tried to be funny, deflection being his tried and tested defence when stuff got serious.

‘Not good enough’ she argued back, suddenly furious, as she side-stepped him.

He blocked her again.

‘Get out of my way Nick, I don’t want to fight-,’ and he cut her off with his lips on hers, his fingers threading up through her hair, holding her head in his palms, his thumbs brushing her jaw. Ellie didn’t hesitate, she kissed him back just as hungry and demanding as he was and he loved that. Her back thumped against the bathroom doorframe as he drove them back against the solid wood panels. He held his body close to hers, feeling her every soft curve pressed against his body, the need to get closer overwhelming his thoughts, his dick already uncomfortably rigid in his pants.

His lips found hers and he kissed her, again and again and again.

And Ellie kept on kissing him back just as desperately as he kissed her, her nails scratching trails on his neck, his jaw, hungry lips on his, her warm tongue searching for more of him. He lifted her up easily by grasping her thighs and she obliged by wrapping her legs tightly around his waist. He negotiated their fused bodies to a better location, a covered pool table in the darkest corner of an alcove prepped for a refurb, all dusty and smelling of paint and turps. She sat on the edge, her legs wide, a knee either side of his hips, hooking her ankles around his thighs, pulling him closer. She tipped her head to the side, nuzzling her face against his neck kissing him, her lips moving up to his earlobe and along the line of his jaw.

His body screamed that he needed her, wanted her as his mind exploded with the realisation this was Ellie licking him, biting him.

He slid his hand up her bare thighs, her pretty dress ruched up almost to her waist, and he kept going until he touched her between her legs, her panties the only barrier between his skin and hers. He expected her to stop him but instead, she rolled her hips and grabbed his wrist helping him slide his fingers beneath the lace. She was hot and wet and he heard her moan a desperate sound as she pulled his wrist harder, demanding he delve deeper.

He felt her other hand tugging at his belt buckle, unzipping his fly then her deft fingers slipped past the waistband of his boxers, sliding all his confining clothing down, liberating him just enough for her to grasp him, her hand sliding rhythmically along his length until his tip oozed. Something low in his gut clenched tightly and he swallowed hard as she shuffled closer to him directing him to where she wanted him most. With only a brief glance between them giving him the go-ahead, his trembling fingers pulled her underwear aside as he pushed himself inside her. An involuntary groan escaped him as he slowly sheathed himself deep, filling her entirely.

He froze as their eyes met, he had no idea what to say to her, no clue what he was feeling or thinking. He just knew he was inside her and he _so_ hadn’t thought this through. It was all he wanted and it felt better than he could ever have imagined.

And it’s Ellie and she means everything to him…

And he was terrified and exhilarated all at the same time

She must have deciphered his chaotic emotions better than he could himself because her hand was on his chest, right over his heart as his pulse raced but she kissed him slowly just on his bounding carotid pulse at the base of his neck, calming him, and he could almost breathe again. Then her hands were on his hips pulling him closer, deeper, fuck he was balls deep in her, and her fingers slipped around his hips to his ass. She dug her nails into his flesh.

Those fingers of hers short-circuited his brain.

It was impossible to prevent the way he jerked his hips forward in response to her touch. She felt too good, warm and slick and tight and Christ he wanted this so badly. It was all too much, his every nerve sizzled and sparked with raw pleasure. Her tongue was doing amazing things to his mouth and she tasted sweeter than honey. When she clenched her thighs tighter around him, his tackle twitched, he needed to slow this down. A low moan vibrated through his chest and he just heard her groan his name in the sexiest voice he had ever heard.

After just a handful of thrusts, he felt his balls tighten.

_No, no, no, no!_

It crashed over him and he threw his head back, his mouth fell open with her name on his lips, unable to halt the shuddering release he spilled into her.

Of course, she knew immediately what had happened and he froze for a second, not knowing what to do next.

‘Nick…its ok’ she said calmly, her thumb brushing his bare hip bone gently.

_Not ok, so not ok!_

He pulled out of her quickly, his boy already flaccid and spent. Rolling his head back, he shut his eyes tightly blocking out the image of Ellie, her pale flesh exposed, as she dropped her legs from around his waist and pulled down her dress. He stood back roughly fixing himself and closing up his jeans with quivering, clumsy fingers.

‘Nick, stop, let’s just go home-,’ she coaxed gently him, all sensible and reasonable as if _it_ was nothing.

‘I have to um, go’ he avoided her touch as she reached out to try to hold his hand. He pecked her forehead with a quick kiss, his mind incoherent, consumed with embarrassment and humiliation.

He just needed to get away from her to process what had just happened.

 _Because that happened to other guys!_ Not him, _never_ to him.

He turned away, leaving her sitting on a dusty, disused pool table, vaguely registering her call after him, her voice concerned, maybe even a little panicked. He stomped back to the booth, completely ignoring his friends blocking out her pleas to come back. Grabbing his jacket, he left the bar walking out into the pouring rain without a clue of where he was even going.


	6. Deeper wounds

_He just needs a minute, just a minute, right?_

He was just freaking out a little because they had kissed and touched and oh God, she closed her eyes savouring the memory of Nick pushing inside her…filling her completely… her flesh stretching, adjusting to his size…

She could barely breathe just thinking about it. Every fibre of her body still tingled with desire, want, desperate _need_ for him to do all of that with her again, to continue what they’d started…

_He just needed a minute…_

But she knew Nick, she had seen the panic in his eyes as soon as she felt his hips jerk and stall just before he came too soon to match _his_ expectations. She knew him well enough to see his raw vulnerability, his mortification, at having failed to live up to his own hype. His much-vaunted sexual prowess was a running joke with him, his teasing punchlines always flattering his ego in some way.

She knew he had taken it badly when he didn’t try to laugh it off somehow, didn’t immediately tell her they needed to go home so they could take their sweet time with each other in private.

She was game on and all over that!

Whatever he was worried about though was only in his own head; they were grown-ups, it wasn’t their first rodeo, not for either of them. Sexual malfunctions happened to everyone, leg cramps, back spasms, bashing teeth, awkward positions, slips in the shower…sometimes enthusiasm didn’t exactly translate in real life. And that was ok, in fact she thought you should be able to laugh about the clumsiness with the person you were learning to share your body with, it was a trust thing.

Ellie trusted Nick implicitly. He trusted her with his life daily, surely he could trust her with this?

She just wanted him, even more now that they had finally been intimate. It had been so unexpected, so rushed, and heated, and hot, so fucking _hot_ , but in public, in a bar, with their team just metres away…hardly ideal! Completely understandable to finish up a little too quickly. Hell, she was seconds from spinning out of control herself as soon as his fingers slipped inside her underwear. She squeezed her thighs together as the buzzing that hadn’t really stopped yet threatened to overpower her resolve not to touch herself, satisfy herself…

No, she would wait for Nick, his touch would be so, _so_ much better!

Ellie waited for another few minutes, swinging her legs impatiently while still sitting on the edge of the pool table, waiting for him to come back with a goofy apologetic look on his face and a cheesy promise to do a much more detailed, time-consuming rerun of making out, of his hands on her body, of being together, back at her place or his, she wasn’t fussy. Naked; she needed him to be naked and she wanted to be fully undressed herself, for his eyes to finally see all of her before he touched her again…to be skin to skin, up close and personal, completely comfortable and honest with their bodies.

Another few minutes passed and there was still no sign of him.

_Maybe the guys had waylaid him?_ They couldn’t exactly restart their activities here in the bar! He was probably waiting for her out front.

She jumped down off the pool table and went into the tiny toilet cubical and cleaned herself up with some tissue. Looking in the mirror she could see her hair was tousled from his fingers raking through her locks, her face was flushed, blotchy redness marred her neck and jawline where his stubble had rasped across her delicate skin when he kissed her. And her lips were swollen and dusky pink from his mouth on hers, his teeth that had nipped and pulled… _Christ_ , she wanted him!

She heard a gentle tap at the door and she finally relaxed.

He just needed a minute; the whole thing had been too intense.

‘Bishop, are you ok?’ Kasie called, rapping again just as Ellie opened the door.

_Not Nick!_

‘Yeah I’m fine’ she answered brightly.

‘Did you and Nick have a fight?’ her friend’s face was screwed up with questioning concern.

‘Not exactly’ she answered evasively, a blush roaring over her already flushed face.

‘Well, he stormed out looking seriously pissed off’

‘He left?’ she gawped at Kasie in disbelief

‘Yeah, about ten minutes ago. Grabbed his jacket, didn’t even say bye to anyone. Are you ok, you look…I don’t know, a little bit bunny in the headlights or something?’

‘Maybe one beer too many, I should go home, long drive tomorrow.’ She muttered while her brain cells scrambled with the knowledge that he had just _gone_.

‘You sure that’s all it is?’ Kasie’s head was tilted to the side her eyes probing and she no doubt took in Ellie’s mussed appearance and stilted responses.

‘Yeah, of course,’ Ellie gave Kasie a tight hug. ‘Thanks for organising tonight and for whatever you said to the guys’ she held up her hand, halting Kasie’s spluttered denials. ‘I have three brothers and a mom with a sharp tongue. I can spot a thoroughly chastised man at ten paces’ Kasie’s eyes dropped and she knew she had hit the mark. Ellie wasn’t stupid, the whole team, even Gibbs had been going _way_ out of their way all week to be amazingly nice to her. ‘It was sweet of you to look out for me. I’ll really miss you.’

Ellie said a heartfelt goodbye to the others, with promises to keep in touch and to repeat the team night with a welcome home get together when she got back from Boston in August. She had already checked her phone about a hundred times, waiting for Nick to call, to text, anything. She was sure when the taxi dropped her home that she would find him sat on her front steps, maybe a couple of drinks worst for wear, but her stoop was empty. Once inside her apartment, she debated between calling him or messaging him. She decided on small steps first and sent him a text.

‘Nick, please talk to me, I’m at home x’

She saw the blue tick flash up and she knew he had read her message but there was no reply.

_Maybe he’s on the way?_

She freshened up and changed into a silky camisole nightie, just in case, and dashed around tidying up scattered clothes and laundry. She washed the dishes in the sink, emptied her fridge, bagged up the rubbish, stopping her chores abruptly each time she heard a car pull up outside, straining her ears for his familiar knock on her door.

2 am came and went and Ellie was pacing her living room floor in confused agitation. She had now gone from calmly accepting he needed more time, to thinking that he was just really embarrassed, that the ‘experience’ was a macho, self-esteem damaging _guy_ thing he just needed to think through and get over, like learning to ride a bike, you fall, you pick yourself up and try again but you hated anyone watching you fall flat on your face! As time ticked by she earlier composure had turned to being worried sick that maybe something had happened to him to finally where she was now; furious and hurt that he hadn’t come, because he didn’t want to be here with her at all.

He had his kicks with her and left, it was ‘ride and hide’, a ‘hump and dump’ from the dickhead playbook.

Had he only made a move on her tonight because she was leaving? There were no heavy relationship expectations if she was gone to another city. It was the perfect scenario for him. Thinking about it he hadn’t actually _said_ anything to her other than ‘don’t go’ and some stupid line about goat yoga. He hadn’t told her anything about how he felt about her, about them, about why he wanted her to stay… effectively they had just had a drunken, meaningless fumble; only she was pretty sober, it meant everything to her and even though it was brief it was the best sex she’d had in years.

Then darker thoughts welled up from her own insecurities. Jake had played away because she wasn’t enough for him. Maybe _she_ wasn’t enough for Nick or what he wanted, had he dipped, been disappointed and decided against? All his other girlfriends had always been like brunette, tanned, leggy supermodels. She always felt plain and nerdy in comparison to the few she had seen.

Shaking her head, she gave up waiting and dragged herself to bed. She only had a few hours before she had to hit the road. Try as she might sleep wouldn’t come and so she tossed and turned and mulled over everything again and again. Even the mood to find her own release, to burn off some of her tingling built up tetchiness was long gone. Her redundant alarm sounded at 7 am and she hauled herself out of bed, showered, dressed, loaded up the truck with her suitcases and locked up her apartment.

Telling herself she was just reading the time she checked her phone again.

Nothing.

Ellie turned the key in the ignition and her perfectly-tuned truck engine sprang into life. She pulled away, ready to face seven or so hours of driving northwards up the I-95, feeling nothing but uninterrupted misery.

***

It was after 6 pm and Kasie was kicking herself, again, that she had to walk all the way back to the lab having left her thumb-drive with all her research notes on her workstation instead of in her backpack with the rest of her stuff she needed to finish her paper for the forensic science magazine. She’d been working on her submission for weeks and Monday was the deadline, she _had_ to edit it tonight. Swiping in her ID card she headed to her desk, but a shuffling noise from the corner alerted her that she was not alone.

She should be alone.

It wasn’t the first time she had thought someone had been in her lab over the past few weeks, things had been moved. She wasn’t OCD about stuff, she just knew her space, like you did when you worked alone most days. The janitor wasn’t the culprit either, she’d asked him, and he’d emphatically told her he had enough to do without opening restricted rooms to randomly move stuff.

Kasie picked up Bishop’s prized cast-iron staple gun, on loan to her just while she was in Boston, and tiptoed over to the storeroom, the unlocked door slightly ajar. Even as her stomach did somersaults with fear and she really thought she should just call security and let them deal with it, heavy-handedly hopefully, curiosity as ever got the better of her. She psyched herself up ready to clobber whoever it was in there with the heavy, blunt object in her hand and mentally counting to three she kicked the door open, screaming at the top of her voice hoping the element of surprise would give her a window to whack them first.

She was not prepared for what she saw.

Nick Torres, about ready to have a heart attack, his face the picture of surprise, shock and was that embarrassment? He quickly whipped away whatever he had just been holding up to his face hiding it behind his back. He staggered backwards in his effort to swiftly conceal what he had been doing, knocking over an open archive box in the process, scattering the contents all over the floor.

_‘Fuck Kasie!!’_ he exclaimed breathlessly

‘ _Nick!_ ’ she shrieked, the two of them simultaneously and incoherently yelling out curses at each other. ‘Jesus Christ Torres, you scared the _shit_ out of me! What the hell are you doing in my locked store cupboard at this hour?’ she demanded, her hand clutching the stapler to her chest trying to control her panicky, panting breathing.

‘Um, _nothing_ , I um had to…I was just...’ he stuttered and stammered like a teen caught looking at porno magazines by his mom.

‘Nick, what have you got in your hand?’ she quizzed him suspiciously, watching as his furtive eyes flitted around looking everywhere but at her.

‘Nothing, I was just looking for a file to do with a case…’ he answered evasively, clearly trying to blag his way out of it, but she had him cornered.

‘Nick, that’s _Bishop’s_ stuff, _personal_ stuff from her desk, until she gets back’ she pointed out to him firmly, already knowing exactly what it was behind his back.

‘Is it?’ he lifted his eyebrows feigning innocence, he didn’t fool her one bit.

‘Nice try Torres’ she muttered wryly, ‘Were you just _smelling_ Bishop’s scarf?’

_Try squirm out of that one!_

It didn’t take a genius, which she kinda was, to figure out what the dude had been doing.

‘ _No!_ Nope…probably not her’s anyways, I just found it’ he answered hurriedly, dropping the grey tweed fabric onto another storage box beside him. Denial and deflection, weak defensive moves for Torres, she had him on the ropes!

‘Well, I _bought_ her the scarf Nick, so I know it’s Ellie’s and it looks like it was _in_ the box marked ‘Bishop’s Stuff’’ Kasie pointed out patiently. This was like talking to a toddler with chocolate all around his mouth, who was adamantly still denying he had eaten said chocolate!

She watched as his face turned puce with awkwardness, which was a change. Ellie had been gone just over two months now and ever since she’d left Nick reminded her of a kicked puppy, daily.

It was truly tragic.

Whatever happened that last night at the bar, whatever argument they’d had, it must have been _bad_ because neither spoke of the other, names were never mentioned, and Ellie, though loving her time in Boston, seemed sad or despondent or something every time they Skyped. Her sparkle was dulled down to like zero. Nick was pretty much the same since she’d left, there was no banter, no cheesiness, there wasn’t even a hint of his confident, machismo self-aggrandisement that was part and parcel of the guy. He was dull as dishwater just like Ellie was.

They were both…miserable!

She decided to give the guy a break. It was painfully clear to her now who her frequent intruder was, Nick the idiot was still mooning over Bishop and had taken to visiting her stuff, reminding himself of her, her scent was probably the most evocative, provocative memento.

_Jesus, these two were impossible!_

‘Take the damn scarf Nick!’ she tutted, still irritated that he had frightened the heart out of her, her pulse only now slowing to a more regular pace. ‘Just help me pick up all this stuff and put it back in the box’ she sighed in exasperation.

Nick just nodded silently; what could he say, he’d been caught red-handed. They both were on their hands and knees picking up the random things from Ellie’s personal effects, mostly pencils, greetings cards and family photos but as they both reached for a manilla folder lifting it at the same time, loose pages fell out and scattered.

Nick’s hand went to pick up the top sheet then he abruptly stalled, and she heard a hissed intake of breath.

‘What-? Ooohh, wow!’ she pulled back her chin grimacing in chagrin.

_Eeeek! Oh shit!_

The colourful page was a brochure-type thing, the flashy logo very clearly was for a fertility and sperm donor clinic up in Boston. It was addressed to Ms Bishop thanking her for her interest and giving details of the services offered. It was dated back to just before she left.

‘We should erm…’ Kasie cleared her throat and rephrased herself, ‘this stuff is private, maybe you should leave _me_ to –,’ she stammered out, trying to protect Ellie’s privacy about what was undoubtedly her own _very_ private business, but the cat was out of the bag now and instinctively she was mindful that _Nick_ was precisely the _last_ person Ellie would have wanted to know about this stuff.

‘Why would she have this?’ he whispered hoarsely, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed repeatedly his eyes continuing to scan the page.

Kasie puffed out a breath and clucked her tongue in her cheek. He really needed to pull his head out of his ass.

‘Why do you think Torres?’ she snapped a little harshly if she was honest, carefully prising his fingers off the letter and placing it back in the brown file and back in the box.

‘I don’t...I don’t know’ he shook his head in bewilderment. ‘Why would Ellie need a donor clinic?’ she saw him try to swallow again and his jaw clenched and unclenched as he mulled over the ramifications of what he had read.

‘Maybe she got tired of _waiting_ Nick.’ She said it blandly enough, but he heard the accusation in her tone, the blame she laid squarely on his shoulders.

Was it just beyond his comprehension that _Ellie_ , or maybe that _any_ woman, would decide for herself, to be proactive in her life choice to be a mom? Giving him the benefit of the doubt though, maybe he was simply confused that someone as young, beautiful and desirable as Bishop would even need to consider sperm donor to achieve her goal.

His eyes caught hers and they narrowed with hurt and fear and a vulnerability that she had never seen before. Bishop would probably know what he was thinking and feeling, those two seemed to have their own subliminal telepathic language thing going on, though admittedly they seemed tuned in on completely different frequencies recently.

‘Go, Nick, I’ll tidy up here’ she told him calmly, ‘I’m sure you have _other_ stuff you could be doing?’

Nodding his head, he hauled himself up off the storeroom floor and lifted the almost full archive box, carefully placing back where it belonged, where he had found it. He reached down a hand and pulled Kasie to her feet.

‘Thanks, Kasie’ he muttered distractedly, he seemed lost in his thoughts as he walked away without another word.

She noticed after he’d left, he had taken the woollen scarf after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the last!  
> Thanks for all the lovely comments guys, writing this little fic got me through a rough week or so...I miss my dog :(


	7. Healing

For the first time in weeks, Nick went to the gym without the express purpose of exhausting himself to the point of collapse just so he could get some sleep. Tonight was different, he had stuff, _other_ stuff to think about.

Had he left it too late?

Of course, he knew _now_ , he had completely, ridiculously, overreacted that night in the bar.

_Say it as it is Torres!_

When he blew his load like a two-pump-chump!

He still squirmed a little in embarrassment but _now_ it was more shame at how he had left Ellie there without saying a word to her. He’d had the most intense sexual experience of his life and that was because _who_ he was with, not because of his performance. He loved Ellie, that had come as a bit of a shock in itself, and that’s what made the whole thing so overwhelming. Up til now, he was never shy in the bedroom, he could sleep with anyone, hell he could ride them all night long, stamina had never been a problem! All of that had been fun for years, he had enjoyed doing that… with _other_ women.

Being with Ellie was _completely_ different; it meant everything to him, _she_ meant everything to him.

And he had left her!

When she had seen his panic and when she had tried to talk him down from his ledge, he should have trusted her. He should have been mature enough, _man_ enough to acknowledge sometimes things go a bit wonky and it’s no big deal. Of all the ways he had let her down, coming quicker than expected was not top of the list, it wasn’t even in the top five stupid-ass, inconsiderate, fuck-ups he had botched and that haunted him.

She had left without saying goodbye and he couldn’t blame her. It was _his_ fault because he was too proud, too stupid, too immature to face her.

She had gone. And he could have stopped her by just telling her how he felt.

He had drunk himself into oblivion that night being with her, eventually falling asleep on his sofa, still damp from the rain he’d walked home in and clutching a bottle of tequila empty to the dregs and his phone in hand. He really did want to talk to her, he had just wussed out until he passed out. When he eventually woke up in the mid-morning, he drove over her apartment, but he already knew she was gone even before he saw the empty parking space. He needed to apologise to her, again.

Fuck, all he ever seemed to be doing was saying sorry to her for all his screw-ups!

But he delayed, procrastinated, deferred, copped out, wussed out…with each hour, each day, every week that passed without calling her made it seem impossibly harder to step up and fix what he’d fucked up.

Now he had left it too late.

Everything felt wrong without Ellie.

The whole atmosphere at work had changed. Kasie had been quite right, Bishop was their Little Miss Sunshine, the team welcome wagon, the heart and soul of their family. Since she’d gone to Boston Gibbs was in the perpetual grizzles, snarling and barking orders, frustrated that the temp was not who he wanted when he glanced at his neighbouring desk. Brian Garner was a nice guy, he worked hard, he was good with number crunching and could surprisingly hold his own in a scrap, but even Brian knew he was only being tolerated by Gibbs until Bishop came back.

McGee barely spoke, swamped by tons more of the IT workload that Bishop had shared with him because she liked to help. Sloane was back but she couldn’t lift the collective gloom even with her lollipops and extra ‘let’s talk’ chats. Jimmy appeared to be morosely hibernating down in autopsy and Kasie missed her friend, giving him accusatory looks most days.

It had been sixty-three days since he last saw Ellie but who was counting?

He had watched her on that last day at her desk, filling a storage box with all her things, clearing her drawers for Brian to take over her space. The last item in was the soft grey, herringbone pattern scarf. She had unwound it from her neck, her golden hair flicking forward over her shoulder as she chattered away about how she wouldn’t need her woollies until autumn. The lid on the box she had brought it to Kasie’s storeroom for safekeeping.

Nick had lasted two weeks before the stupid idea worming in his brain completely took over his rational thoughts and after everyone had gone home one evening he had crept into the lab, used the spare key to the storeroom Abbey had hidden in a plant pot and had sat on the boxes, her scarf pressed to his face inhaling the unique, aromatic essence of Ellie, light and floral and warm with hints of vanilla and jasmine. She even smelled of sunshine. There were strands of her honey blonde hair stuck to the fabric and he spent far too long looking at how the light shimmered along their length. For those few moments, repeated embarrassingly often after that first time, he could close his eyes and believe that Ellie was right there. With her fragrance so close he could almost taste her.

It was like a drug, she was like a drug and the cold turkey without her was killing him.

It didn’t help to see her social media pages suddenly flooded with photos of nights out where she looked as sexy as hell, group hugs and selfies laughing with friends, including guys…the fear that she could be dating one of them brought on cold sweats.

An Instagram post of a girls trip to Cape Cod with Ellie posing on the beach in a 50s style red and white bathing suit with cute red heart-shaped shades sipping frozen cocktails caught his eye but the one that had him flicking back again and again was a candid shot of her sitting under a tree reading a book to a toddler. The strawberry-blonde kid was curled up in her lap sucking his thumb wide-eyed with attention, while she was holding the large illustrated book about a dragon open, her lips just at his ear as she read out loud, oblivious to the photo even being taken.

She looked happy and the whole scene looked…right.

Nick had never really thought about having kids except in a very abstract way, at least he told himself that. Caring for baby Cody with Ellie had brought on a lot of feels he hadn’t been quite ready to admit or handle at the time.

That clinic brochure in the box had put a rocket up his ass though!

He needed to _really_ think about it now, less in abstract on the long finger, more real-life, possibly sooner than previously imagined because it was obvious that’s what Ellie wanted. She wanted a kid maybe even kids and he knew why. She was just bursting with love to give and she had nobody to share that with, she had been abandoned by everyone she cared about one way or another, her ex-husband, Qasim, even Reeves in a way and now himself.

That old lady with the cats was her worst fear, to be alone, lonely in old age without a family to care for her, or grandkids for her to fuss over and he had made a joke of her fears with those damn cakes. And then he had drilled home her anxieties by leaving her in that bar, ignoring her pleas for them to talk it out and going AWOL.

She would probably never forgive him, and that would be completely understandable.

But he needed to at least have the balls to try to explain himself. He could be the big man all he wanted in the gym, undercover, as an agent but if he couldn’t talk to his best friend, the person he knew he was in love with, well that just made him a coward.

Kasie’s withering tone when she tutted ‘take the damn scarf, Nick’ told him she thought he was a coward too.

Before he even left the gym he made the decision. Once home he made a couple of calls and for the first time in weeks he slept, like really slept and woke up feeling refreshed. He showered, packed a bag and hit the road, hoping to hit Boston before the Friday evening rush hour traffic he had heard so much about completely gridlocked him.

The city was beautiful, full of old-world colonial houses and historic places he had learned about in school. Driving through the leafy streets, past countless universities, colleges and libraries, the footpaths and T stops thronged with book-laden, student types Nick could clearly imagine Ellie living here in Boston. He parked up on the quiet, tree-lined street, marvelling that even the air smelled green! He checked the address again against Kasie’s text, taking the moment to calm his breathing though totally powerless to ease his heart hammering in his chest once he spotted Ellie’s truck parked up on the driveway of the three-storey grey and cream picture-perfect house. The whole place was pretty, quirky and romantic.

_Jesus the place even has a turret!_

He could imagine Ellie rolled up in a sofa somewhere inside, twisting her hair around her fingers, lost in one of her books. The need to see her was overpowering.

He had one shot to fix this, to fix them. It was now or never.

He rang the doorbell.

‘Hi, I’m Nick Torres,’ he told the auburn-haired woman who eventually opened the door, ‘I’m erm, looking for Ellie Bishop?’

‘You took your time’ she answered wryly, eyeing him up speculatively as if his appearance were both expected and maybe even welcome.

‘Yeah, I guess I did’ he managed lamely, abashedly looking away from her penetrating gaze knowing this had to be Megan, who obviously knew _stuff_ about him.

‘Well come in, I’ll get her…Whoa, Owen slow-!’ the kid was speeding across the parquet floor on a Spiderman scooter just one foot balanced as he wobbled precariously heading on a straight trajectory for the open hall door.

Without thinking Nick swooped him up in his arms, the scooter clattering down the brick stairs at the front of the house

‘Good catch Torres! I’m Megan by the way, nice to meet you and this little monkey is Owen’ she laughed trying to disentangle the little boy who was giggling like crazy wrapping himself tighter around Nick’s neck. With an indulgent huff, she gave up trying and waved at him, ‘looks like you’ve made a new buddy!’ and she walked over to the stairs and hollered ‘Elsie, someone at the door for you!’

‘Come on Meg!’ came her reply from somewhere above, his breath caught as he heard her footsteps on the wooden stairs telling him she was on her way down. ‘I thought we agreed, I’m not interested in the pizza guy even if he does look like Adam Rodriguez and did you order extra because I’m starv-,’

And there she was, wearing cut off denim shorts and a faded Red Sox tee-shirt, barefoot with hair in a messy bun and a smudge of blue paint on her cheek.

Beautiful.

Any other words died on his lips.

He slowly let the kid down to the floor who cheerfully skipped away to play with some toys on the living room rug.

Nick’s eyes were completely locked on Ellie’s and she was frozen, like unblinking, not breathing, white-lipped pale, _frozen-_ right up until she kinda went a bit jelly-legged and sat down with a thump on the step behind her.

‘Ellie!’ he dashed over to her throwing himself on his knees in front of her ‘Are you ok? What’s wrong?’ he ran his hands over her, noting her clammy forehead and rapid, shuddering breaths.

‘I’m fine’ she muttered from somewhere between her thighs as her head had flopped onto her lap. ‘I’m just a little dizzy…I’m fine.’ She turned her head to the side catching his eye ‘What are you doing here Nick?’ confusion plain to see.

Before he could even answer Megan was passing him a glass of orange juice and handing him a cookie, tilting her chin indicating they were for Ellie. She shrugged her shoulder at Nick, ‘it happens when she’s hungry’ as if that explained everything. Megan waited until Ellie’s pale face popped up and she took the glass with trembly fingers taking a sip and then a nibble, her hazel eyes returning to fix themselves on his own again.

‘Oookaaay, well I’m gonna go, leave you guys to it’ Megan said brightly, ‘come on Kiddo, let’s get ice cream yay!’ a couple of minutes of squealing delight and dashing about ensued before the hall door shut, leaving them alone.

Nick still knelt on the wooden floor at Ellie’s feet waiting for her to finish the cookie and down the glass of juice. Slowly, incrementally, he saw the colour return to her face, first to a normal, less pallid hue then to a rosy pink splash across her cheeks.

‘Feeling better?’

She nodded mutely before her eyes snapped to his hands and her mouth dropped open on its own accord. He didn’t know when he had put them on her bare thighs, he only noticed now as he registered the loss of contact with her smooth skin when he moved to brush back a wisp of her hair tucking it behind her ear, his fingertips lingering a moment too long on her jaw. He wasn’t sure whether to return his hand, it seemed a bit forward, so he let it dangle awkwardly until he eventually found a place for it on his own thigh. He left the other one where it was, she didn’t seem to mind.

‘I’m sorry I spooked you, I should have probably called ahead, huh?’ he started conversationally with the first of his very long list of apologies.

‘Why are you here?’ she repeated hoarsely, her face carefully neutral. He wasn’t sure as yet how pissed off she was with him- the level could be anywhere from marginally miffed to DEFCON 1.

‘I um, brought your scarf, you know the grey one Kasie got you? You left it behind’. It sounded stupid now, on the drive up, in his head anyway, he thought it would be sweet, romantic maybe, like in the movies. The silly rom coms they watched together, the ones he rolled his eyes at and agreed to watch ‘under duress’, and only because _she_ picked them, were actually his guilty pleasure.

_Jesus, you're an idiot! A cheesy, sappy lovesick fool!_

‘You drove all this way, in July, to deliver a _scarf_?’ her eyebrow arched sceptically.

‘And some mail, Victoria and McGee’s twins have done a load of artwork and stuff for you, they really miss their Auntie Ellie…everyone misses you, B’ he faltered, her flinty look unnerving him.

‘I’m sure _everyone_ is getting on just fine without me’ she snapped and stood up, taking a moment to steady herself before marching into the kitchen area with her glass.

He hauled himself off the floor and followed her. A swarm of butterflies appeared to have taken up residence in his stomach, flapping their wings with increasing fervour as the distance between them closed and he got started on the stuff he wanted to say.

‘Boston is really beautiful, which is great cos I’m um, thinking of transferring up here...following the sunshine, you know?’ he watched as her hands stopped rinsing the glass.

‘What?’ she did a double-take, her head whipping back in irritated bafflement.

‘Have you been to the donor clinic?’ he asked bluntly, there was no sugar-coating it really.

‘I beg your-, how-? _Nick_! Fuck, that was private!’ she sputtered outraged and embarrassed at the same time. She gripped on to the worktop with both hands, her lips moving in inaudible fury, probably swearwords, she had a vast repertoire.

‘I saw the brochure, by accident I swear, I knocked over your box’ he held his hands up defensively. He cleared his throat ‘did you go?’ he repeated softly.

‘It’s none of your business what I do, Nick! I don’t have to wait for someone else to make up their mind, it’s my choice what I decide for my life!’

‘By ‘someone’ I guess you mean _me_?’

‘Water under the bridge Nick, that ship sailed when you left me in that bar after we…over two months Nick, not a word and you show up _now_! That ship has sailed!’ Nick felt the barbs of her words.

‘So, you have zero feelings for me?’

‘How _I_ feel is irrelevant’ she muttered. 

‘Are you coming back to DC?’

‘Why do you care? I hardly see what difference it makes to you’ she scoffed but he heard the hurt there and it stung him like the lash of a whip, but he persevered.

_No guts no glory!_

‘Because if you’re staying here, I’m moving here. I told Gibbs, it’s either he gets one agent back or he loses two’.

‘You spoke to Gibbs about us!’ her eyebrows nearly reached her hairline with incredulity.

‘Yeah, I thought he should know that I’m serious about being with you and transferring to NE division’

‘Don’t be ridiculous Nick’

‘Ellie, I have been miserable without you since you left. I noticed _every_ little thing I took for granted, all the times you’d ask me if I’m ok, all the pep-me-up coffees and beers and movies and take-outs.’

She huffed, shaking her head as she pulled a plastic food box of fresh chopped fruit out of the fridge and popped a strawberry in her mouth.

‘I miss the way you’d take my salad pickle and swap me your tomato and now every time I have a burger there’s this slice of pickle left on the side of my plate looking at me, and all I can think of is you!’ he was sure he saw the corner of her mouth twitch at that.

‘I have nowhere to stand at work’ she definitely smiled at that but covered it with filling her mouth with a chunk of melon. ‘I have nobody to buy treats for, no one makes me laugh like you can…or cares about me like you did in a million little ways every day’.

‘I miss you more than I thought it was possible to miss another person B.’ She was looking at him now, like really looking and his heart melted when she spoke.

‘I missed you too Nick but-,’

‘Are you happier here? If you are then I’ll move’.

‘Happ _ier_ no, happy yeah, I guess’

‘DC is not my home B, you are.’ She seemed to deflate a little with that like all the tension in her body dissipated, she looked smaller, if that was possible and vulnerable. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms and kiss her all better, but he still had grovelling to do, he owed her that.

He took a step closer to her and took her hand in his, the simple touch enough to send a rush of electricity running through his spine.

‘I’m so ashamed of how I behaved that night, I’ve wanted to say sorry, every day I wanted to apologise and talk to you but I’m an idiot. I was immature and _so_ embarrassed when I should have trusted you. My stupid insecurities and ridiculous ego got in the way and then every day that passed I thought I’d left it too long, and I wussed out again. Ellie, I know I screwed up. I’ll do whatever it takes to have you in my life again. Please, Ellie, give me, us, a chance. If you want to live here, I’ll move. If you want a baby, we can do that…’

He swallowed past the dry lump of disappointment in his craw and added ‘even if you’ve already had-,’

‘I didn’t have the treatment Nick, Ok!’ she blurted out, ‘I went to the clinic but I didn’t have the...use the...donation’ she admitted in a fluster.

‘Did you change your mind?’ he asked curiously, yet silently doing a triumphant fist pump in his head.

‘Not exactly, um something showed up in my pre-assessment bloodwork.’ A flash of anxiety crossed her face that she tried to mask by puffing out her cheeks, but he knew her too well, something was _wrong_.

‘Anyway enough, Nick, enough with the hard sell. I’m moving back to DC next month. Boston is only a temporary post and I’m going to need my permanent job, health benefits and my friends…’

Bloodwork, health insurance, something wrong…he swallowed down the nausea and asked the question that terrified him.

‘Are you sick, Ellie?’

‘Not sick but I, um, have a condition’

‘Is it… serious?’ he prepared himself for the worst, images of Sofia, pale, weak and brave flashed like a beacon in his head. _I can’t lose another woman I love._

‘Yeah, life-changing’ she answered with a nervous smile, her small white teeth chewing on her bottom lip as he took her tiny hands his.

‘Ellie, I love you, so much. Whatever it is, I'm going to be right here with you, no matter what, because I love you’ her smile lit up his heart like no one else on earth had the power to do.

‘I love you too Nick but-,’

She loved him too, nothing else mattered.

‘Whatever you need Ellie, what can I do? I’ll do anything’

‘You can be a dad’ she suggested apprehensively.

‘ _Wait, what?_ You said you didn’t have the-,’

‘I didn’t need it; seems I was already pregnant…we, um, weren’t exactly careful Nick!’ she grimaced flushing a little.

His brain short-circuited.

_I’m going to be a dad!_

‘Oh god _no!’_ he covered his face with his hands in horror.

Ellie was pregnant with his baby after his pathetic, minuteman, nervous in service, blunderspunk spill.

A quiet gasp left her parted lips and she squeezed her eyes shut to hold in the tears that he could plainly see gathering on her lashes threatening to spill. ‘Wow!’ she sucked in her breath pulling her hands out of his, ‘You should just go, Nick, I was going to do this by myself before you arrived, I’ll be fine.’ Her voice broke and she slapped her hand over her mouth, holding in what sounded like a muffled sob.

‘Huh?’ he was tried to follow what she was saying but was completely lost in his own thoughts.

‘You're clearly unhappy, _horrified_ even about this baby, so-,’

‘ _Whoa_ whoa! All wrong B, stop!’

_Fuck shit fuck, Torres!!_

‘What then, because _that_ wasn’t exactly the reaction I was hoping for!’

‘Ellie, shit sorry! I’m beyond happy about the baby, thrilled, a little terrified but absolutely ecstatic ok?’ he waited for that to soak in, a soft smile replacing her hurt and disappointment. He continued wryly ‘I’m horrified that my very, _very_ poor showing that night got you pregnant because I had planned to really take my time, _several_ times, you know trial runs, practice runs, serious efforts to get you knocked up!’ he hoped his light-hearted banter would defuse the tense moment.

‘ _Knocked up!’_

Ok, that was a screech! Self-sabotage was obviously a gift with him!

_DO NOT fuck this up with a smart mouth Torres!_

‘Ellie, I want to make love to you properly, a lot, like many, many times. I want to kiss and taste and touch and caress every damn inch of you, inside and out, because there’s nobody else that I want to make a baby with but with you, Ellie. I want to be with you, be a family with you. I love you’.

Her mouth opened and closed a couple of times before her lips set in a straight, determined line.

_Oh crap- DEFCON1, brace for impact!_

Nick would’ve never guessed her next move, her lips crashing into his, her tongue delving deep in his mouth as her hands balled up fistfuls of his shirt pulling his body flush with hers. It took him a brief second until his mind caught up to his body and he kissed her back with just as much passion, his hands landing on her hips just above her denim waistband where her tee-shirt rode up a little exposing her skin. On impulse, he dropped to his knees, lifted her red top and placed a kiss on her still flat tummy.

‘Hello, I’m your dad, I love you and your mom’ he whispered kissing her again, his eyes getting a bit teary, the magnitude of where they were at hitting him.

She ran her fingers through his hair sending crazy shivers all over him then bending down she kissed the top of his head.

‘We could try to make it twins?’ she suggested brightly, her feigned innocence unable to hide her mischievous smile.

‘I’m not an expert B, but I don’t think it works like that’

‘Do you want to take me to bed and get me knocked up like you said or not, Torres?’

‘Oh, I _want_ to, all the damn time, but is it…is it ok? It won’t hurt you or the baby?’

‘The book says slow and gentle is fine…I mean we can work up to all kinds of hot and horny but you’ll have to feed me first’ she was so matter of fact in the way she said it, her confidence doing all kinds of things to the full and firm lodger in his pants.

He was already on his knees, seemed a shame to waste an opportunity. He had two options in this position, but he knew for damn sure _when_ he proposed to her it wouldn’t be on a half-assed effort on a kitchen floor; it would be special and romantic like she deserved, a full-on rom-com movie moment…lots of happy tears, she might even cry too!

He went with the other option.

‘Mmhmm, I could eat’ he muttered, letting his lips vibrate as he hummed against her skin. Moving his hands slowly across her abdomen he stopped at the button of her shorts then watching her face carefully for permission he undid it with a pop and slowly pulled down the zip, revealing pretty pink underwear. He started the kisses from her navel heading due south, hooking his thumbs inside the waistband and gently pulling the clothing in his way down over her hips until they pooled on the floor. She jerked forward as his tongue found her sensitive spot.

‘Oh my god, do that again!’ she groaned, one hand grabbing the edge of the marble countertop to steady herself the other urging his head forward. He readily complied with her demands.

‘How long do we have until they’re back?’ he asked already nudging her thighs apart, kissing a trail upwards this time.

‘Long enough Torres, long enough’ she sighed running her fingernails along his scalp, moaning his name in that sexy voice again and he showed her just how hungry for her he was and how much he was loving this second chance with the woman he absolutely adored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and all the lovely comments!  
> Thanks too for all the support and virtual hugs sent when my poor Jasper had to be sent to puppy heaven.
> 
> And yes I did throw in #17 from the smut prompt list, 'Oh my god, do that again!'  
> Ah sure why not!


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